Thursday, November 30, 2000

Happy Birthday to me!

Yup, I'm 26 today! Yesterday I went to the Doctor to get my Upper GI Endoscopy, which was great fun! I'm probably going to need surgery to fix some stuff that's wrong with my esophagus. The doctor couldn't talk for very long after I woke up, but he paused long enough to give me a few pictures of my throat and to point to a few things. "You see this? That's bad, and this over here? That's also bad." I think "bad" is medical jargon for "not good." Why do they have to get so technical? Anyway, I'm going to see him again on the 14th so I'll know more after that. I know you're on the edge of your seat so I'll keep you posted.

Monday, November 27, 2000

Please for the love of God, no more turkey!

Thanksgiving is over and I’m still feeling the not so subtle effects of a serious Triptifan overdose. It’s amazing how much turkey one person can consume in the span of a few days. Thanksgiving is just the beginning of a four-day turkey gauntlet. The Hoffman Thanksgiving this year was filled with good food, great people, and much laughter. I was glad to see that at the spry age of (almost) 26 I’m still a resident of the “kid table.” I was a little worried this year that I may have graduated to the realm of adult conversation at the big table. The concept of adult conversation is a little lost at the Hoffman house, being condemned to the big table just means I couldn’t have said “penis” as much. Penis is right up there with ointment and poop for being a funny word. I had a great time and in the words of my cousin Melissa, I stuffed myself retarded.

Taylor and I went to Santa Cruz yesterday with the intention of picking up my new board and going surfing. As is often the case with intentions, neither of these things happened. My board wasn’t ready and the surf was… strange. At a few spots it was big and pretty nicely shaped, but in the “beginner spots” is was totally flat. So we contented ourselves with watching and talking smack about surfers much better than we are. We didn’t get to do what we drove up there to do, but I’ve said it before, I could be in a Turkish prison and have a good time if Taylor was there. So spending a day watching guys surf and eating a kick ass breakfast burrito at the Chill Out Café with Taylor is a great day if you ask me.

I’d like to welcome my little brother to the exciting world of blogging. Please visit his site at Some of you will say "Ben, I didn’t know you had a little brother." Well sit right down and I’ll tell a tale… Jon is my ex-step brother, we got divorced, the relationship wasn’t working out for us and we called it quits. We tried to hold it together for the children, but in the end we had to go our separate ways. We’re still good friends though.

Wednesday, November 22, 2000

Turkey for me and Turkey for you, I like to eat my Turkey in a big brown shoe

Hello all! We still don’t have a president, my job is getting more and more tedious, my car is starting to make a strange noise when I drive fast, and my frog died. But tomorrow I get to eat until I lose most of my motor control and fall asleep on the couch watching football so life isn’t too bad. Peggy’s in town. I picked her up last night, she was supposed to be in at 8:30pm and ended up getting in at 11:30pm, so that was fun. You ever just watch the strange people at the airport? Why do weirdoes gravitate to the airport? And why do they always want to talk to you. They strike up a conversation like you know them and like you’ve already been talking for 20 minuets; “So anyway, Aunt Ester has gout and Uncle Carl is a cross dresser. Here look at the pictures.” “So anyway” should not be your opener, that’s what you say when you’re trying to get off the phone with someone you’re not that excited about talking to. So anyway, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

Here is part of an Instant Message conversation Taylor and I had today I thought you might like to see it:

(By the way, I’m Slurpie_pants)

slurpie_pants: I don't think I can afford my board this weekend
sallychowder: doh
slurpie_pants: I have enough money, but it would leave me about $100 for food, gas, whores, penis enlargement.... until I get paid
sallychowder: I think I see an area where you could make some budget cuts
sallychowder: don't eat this week
sallychowder: and ride your bike everywhere you go
slurpie_pants: Thank god you didn't say to cut back on whores!
sallychowder: good god man, you have to survive
sallychowder: let's be sensible here
slurpie_pants: That's what I'm saying!
sallychowder: you could hold off on the penis enlargement and just stick a golf ball on the end of your dick before you put on the condom
sallychowder: It might hinder your sensation
sallychowder: but you could have a board!
slurpie_pants: I could put the board in the condom!
slurpie_pants: I'll be the talk of the town!
sallychowder: now you've got it!
slurpie_pants: The man with the 10-foot penis!
sallychowder: but then you'd have to pay the whore extra
sallychowder: or maybe she'd pay you?
slurpie_pants: Tri-finned for her pleasure

Monday, November 13, 2000

I invented recounts

Well here we are almost a week after the election and we still don’t have a president! This is crazy! And a little unnerving. Not only are we left waiting for the next leader of the free world, everyday we wait the whinier and bitchier the two hopefuls get. No matter whom we get at this point I’m going to hate him. Bush is a cocky bastard who’s starting to appoint his cabinet. Shouldn’t he wait to make sure he won? And Gore is just a little bitch! Could that guy be a bigger baby? “I want a recount…. No, you misunderstood; I wanted to win the recount. Can I have another recount” He would probably tell me I don’t have to be so “snippy,” but then I’d probably tell him to stop being a woman, grow some balls and take the count! I know he’s trailing by less votes than there are members in most Ska bands, but close doesn’t count.

My weekend was ridiculously boring, it’s nice to have a relaxing weekend every once in a while, but that was a bit much. I did see the movie Best in Show with Kate and it was damn funny. It’s from the same guys who did Spinal Tap and Waiting for Guffman. It gets a thumb up! And I started jogging again this morning which I will hopefully keep up. So say good bye to fatty and say hello to not so fatty!

Wednesday, November 08, 2000

Is it going to be the shitty candidate or the crappy candidate?
The jury is still out

What a crazy election! Could this thing flip-flop any more? They are saying now that it might be 2 weeks until we know who’s won. One of the estimates had only a 2000 vote difference in Florida. This is the kind of amazing political event that our kids will ask us about when they’re learning about it in their government class. The depressing thing is that it’s not close because both candidates are great. It’s close because they both suck and people didn’t know which was the lesser of two evils. I think there is only one thing to say about all this, in the words of Georgie Bush “Strategery!”

Monday, November 06, 2000

What socioeconomic ladder do I have to climb to the bottom of to be as cool as you?
Prince Charming, where are you?

I had a pretty relaxing weekend, which is just what I wanted! Friday I went to see The Legend of Bagger Vance with Katie and Greg, a pretty good movie. I give it a thumb up.

Saturday, after sufficiently sleeping in, I got suckered into helping my buddy Eric move into his girlfriend’s place. I hate moving! The only thing worse than moving, is moving someone else.

On Sunday I drove to Santa Cruz with Katie so I could put some money down on my new surfboard, which is being made as we speak! That was an adventure, the guy at Cowell’s surf shop was a total dick! I talked to him a week ago and he was cool, but his boss was out of town on Sunday, which I guess gave him license to be an ass. Taylor explained that I’m not as “hard core” as that guy because he works in a surf shop. He’s more of a surfer than I am, so he's allowed to be a dick. The same thing can be found in music stores, you’re not a real musician because you have an actual job. Apparently the only real musicians are found at Guitar Center and everyone else is just a poser. Fucking idiots!!!! Anyway, the guy at the surf shop wouldn’t take a credit card so I had to go to an ATM to get cash. The closest ATM was on the pier across the street. So Kate and I walked down the length of the pier only to find that the machine was broken. We then had to walk down to the boardwalk to use the ATM there. Where after getting some cash I forgot my card. I didn’t discover this until I got home. So I’m now cardless until the bank sends me a new one. Oh well, at least this time I got to pick my PIN. Last time I got a new card they changed my pin and didn’t tell me what the new one was. I called them and they said they couldn’t give out that information over the phone they’d have to send it to me. After waiting a week for the PIN reminder, after not being able to get the information over the phone because that wouldn’t be secure, I opened the letter to find out my PIN was 5555. That was their tower of security that couldn’t possibly be given out over the phone. 5555! I was pretty pissed. The new pin I picked is a little harder to guess. Don’t tell anyone but it’s 1234.

A random thought: I really enjoy going to Cosmo’s web site and reading my horoscope, because it usually tells me I’m going to meet the man of my dreams. Finding my prince charming around the next corner would probably be pretty exciting if I was gay, but since I’m not, it’s just a nice moment of levity in my crazy day.

Friday, November 03, 2000

T. G. I. F.
This spaghetti tastes funny

Thank God it’s Friday! This week has been terrible! I’ve been working late all week and nothing has seemed to go right. I’ve been trying to get something to work all week and it’s been a pain my ass, but I finally got it to work today before lunch! So I’m stoked. I’m looking forward to a relaxing weekend of doing nothing. The last 3 weeks I’ve been running around like crazy, so I’m not doing anything this weekend!

Taylor is leaving me this weekend to go on a bike ride in Solvang. Bastard! That means I’m going to have to surf by myself this weekend. If I drown it will be his fault! I hope he can live with that. Knowing he killed his best friend. Have fun buddy! Don’t worry about me!

I have blood worms! Relax it’s not an ailment I need ointment for, it’s food for my frog. I have a tropical fish tank in my cube at work. I have 6 fish and a little water frog. I haven’t had the frog for too long and he wasn’t eating the fish food so I went to the pet store and they told me I needed live blood worms. They’re these little red worms that look like vermicelli. I’m just waiting for someone to notice them in the office refrigerator. People steal food out of that fridge all the time, if they try and steal this they’re in for bit of a surprise.

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