Thursday, November 29, 2001

I shall call him Mini-Me

I don’t know about you, but my internal clock for taking a crap is set to 10:00am right after my morning coffee. This means my daily crap is taken at work. Now I get board very easily and there is not always a newspaper available in the stall I happen to occupy, so I come prepared. I bring either my phone or my Handspring so I can play games while I’m crapping. So this morning I am sitting quietly trying to beat my high score on Snake when the guy in the stall next to me starts to grunt. Now, my rule of thumb when it comes to noise in the bathroom is don’t. I try to be silent other than the occasional bleep noise from whatever game I’m playing. I understand certain noises are unavoidable, like you had Los Gallos the night before and you’ve got some issues downstairs. But there is no need to be vocal. The guy in the stall next to me started off light with a sigh, then a low grunt, and then he really started to get worked up. After about thirty seconds he sounded like he’s giving birth to a 12-year-old boy. By this time I started to get worried and checked the bottom of the separator between us to make sure nothing is spilling into my stall. I decide it would be best to get out of Dodge, so I pinch, wipe and get out of there as quickly as I can. Here’s a rule everyone should jot down to make crapping at work a joyous experience for all: Crapping is not like doing the bench press, nobody wants to know how hard your working at it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

Damn Kids
Or
Incase there was any doubt before, proof that my Dad is insane

Hello all! I know I haven’t written for a long time, but looking back I see I’ve started many of these by apologizing for not writing more. So this time I’ll forego that and go right to telling you to piss off! To catch everyone up on what’s going on with me, I’m close to my cancer cure, I’ve invented the no bruise apple, and I’ve grown a third nipple. I’m also about to turn 27, yes on Friday I’ll be only 3 years away from 30. How did this happen? How did I get to be a guy in my late 20’s? I really didn’t feel like a guy in my late 20’s until a few weeks ago when I was at a Weezer concert and was annoyed because kids kept bumping into me. I actually went and sat down in the stands, the balcony no less and quietly enjoyed the music sitting comfortably in my seat gently bouncing my knee. Life is down hill from here.

For my birthday my father sent me the autobiography of C. S. Lewis and a 5 inch buck knife. I’m not sure what that is supposed to mean. I guess I’m supposed to read the autobiography, find God and kill myself out of guilt. But being a true pagan, I instead put the book on my shelf, put in my new Tenacious D CD, striped naked, and killed a chicken with the knife. I feel younger already.

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