Tuesday, December 04, 2001

It’s not me groping you, it’s my condition

I just spent three hours in a mandatory presentation on Harassment and Workplace Violence. Nothing makes me more violent than wasting time listening to people talk about work place violence. Almost all of the things covered were common sense, or what my Uncle calls the “Dumb Shit Rule.” My uncle is a personal injury attorney and he doesn’t take a case if any dumb shit should have known better. But one thing that caught me off guard is this: One of the first things that security will do when they get a report of an “aggressor” (I guess they can’t say asshole) is to give the guy the rest of the day off. They do this so they can investigate and so the guy can calm down. So what does this mean to me? Well now I know if ever I want the rest of the day off I just need to hit a co-worker or pinch someone’s ass, buy a soda and wait for security to show up and send me home. I’m guessing I’m not going to be able to do this with any regularity without being fired. Unless I can figure out a way to convince management that I have a medical condition that makes me hit co-workers and pinch asses. Then they couldn’t fire me, I’d be covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. I could have it all, a day off whenever I want and the ability to pinch asses and hit co-workers without any fear of the consequences. I’d be like a God, granted a God with Turrets, but a God nonetheless.

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