Monday, March 25, 2002

Autism, it’s not just for breakfast anymore

After being in a long-term relationship through the years when you’re supposed to learn to date, I find myself in a precarious position. I’m totally lacking the skill set for dating. It’s strange to me because in almost any other social setting I do fine, but when it comes to a female I might be romantically interested in I turn into a bumbling idiot. In lieu of an actual skill set in this area I’ve come up with my own personal method, no it doesn’t work, but it’s what I’ve got. Step one is to act awkward let all your joints stiffen up and touch your face a lot. Now you’ve set up a base with which to work, wait until she’s looking at you with a combination of pity of disgust, like a mentally handicapped person that just vomited. Then, you know you’re ready for step two, speaking to her. This is a very important step and should be handled carefully. I usually do something like make an inappropriate observation, followed by a bad and off color joke. It’s important to stutter a lot during this crucial step, spitting on her as much as possible. I don’t like to move into step three, asking her out, until I’ve really worked step two. But don’t make the mistake of getting comfortable, you don’t want her to see you acting natural or confident, we’ve created a mental picture in her head and we don’t want to mess that up by making her think you’re normal now. Now in step three, you want to ask her to dinner, but don’t just ask, this could portray confidence and we’re trying to avoid that. You want to beat around the bush, slowly approaching the question with the pauses between your words getting longer and longer as you get closer to the word dinner. Once the word dinner has been said, your pace of speech has to hit almost light speed, saying things like, “but you’re probably busy,” and “if you’d like, you don’t have to, you’re probably seeing someone.” Continue saying things like this until her eyes look like they’re about to be launched from her head, then run away. Now on to step four, the date, at this point my method becomes theoretical. But, I’d imagine that if you were going to be spending an awkward evening with someone, you’d like it to be over food. This gives you many opportunities to disgust her. Sloppy finger foods work best, with a bone if possible, buffalo wings are the obvious choice. Now combine elements from step one and two while eating your sloppy finger food, if done properly she should run from the building screaming before the entrée arrives and you can get home in time to watch America’s most wanted.

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