Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Frosting cures cancer 

It’s often said that Medical science is currently in its Bronze Age. I think this is being generous. A week ago, I woke up to find the left side of my face had doubled in size. Somewhat alarmed, I quickly ruled out any healthy, normal cause for this large lump such as spontaneous asexual reproduction or discovering I am, in fact, a pod person. So, convinced something was wrong I went to the ER. Where I spent 4 hours waiting. I got a lot of reading done and my face got some much-needed time to grow even more. Finally I got in to see a doctor, who diagnosed the problem as a blocked and infected salivary gland, fine, fine. So now that I know the cause, pray tell good sir, what shall I do to remedy the situation? And here it is, here is the combined wisdom of years of medical study. With access to endless amounts of research, medical papers and double blind studies, he tells me, with a straight face, to “suck on a lot of lemon drops.” Clearly he said this in jest… but the serious look on the doctor’s face continues… He’s not joking. His prescribed cure to this now grotesque growth on my head is “medicinal” lemon flavored sugar. I missed a week of work because my only tool for fighting my infection, fever, and elephantiasis was a sour candy. Thank you medical science! You’re aces!

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