Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Frosting cures cancer 

It’s often said that Medical science is currently in its Bronze Age. I think this is being generous. A week ago, I woke up to find the left side of my face had doubled in size. Somewhat alarmed, I quickly ruled out any healthy, normal cause for this large lump such as spontaneous asexual reproduction or discovering I am, in fact, a pod person. So, convinced something was wrong I went to the ER. Where I spent 4 hours waiting. I got a lot of reading done and my face got some much-needed time to grow even more. Finally I got in to see a doctor, who diagnosed the problem as a blocked and infected salivary gland, fine, fine. So now that I know the cause, pray tell good sir, what shall I do to remedy the situation? And here it is, here is the combined wisdom of years of medical study. With access to endless amounts of research, medical papers and double blind studies, he tells me, with a straight face, to “suck on a lot of lemon drops.” Clearly he said this in jest… but the serious look on the doctor’s face continues… He’s not joking. His prescribed cure to this now grotesque growth on my head is “medicinal” lemon flavored sugar. I missed a week of work because my only tool for fighting my infection, fever, and elephantiasis was a sour candy. Thank you medical science! You’re aces!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Today feels warm, watch out for "boat people"! 

"Global warming is going to raise the sea level and lead to hundreds of thousands of 'boat people' raiding our country because we have so much high ground. I'm serious, the pentagon did a study."

While drinking tea with my favorite married couple after a very enjoyable dinner, my best friend Taylor uttered these lines. And though shaken, I had the presence of mind to ask his point.

"We're about to be inundated with violent boat people and Bush isn't taking it seriously. He didn't mention anything about it in his state of the union address." was his response.

Now, I'm not a Bush supporter but, I must say, with all the faults there are to be found in his presidency, not mentioning the pending "boat people" crisis in his state of the union address isn't one of them. Taylor, would you have him start a national panic? Mentioning the imminent invasion in such a public and prominent way would do just that! Leave this to the skilled and knowledgeable people in government. They know how to handle a naval attack of landless, high ground seeking barbarians.

This is not the first time Barbarian hordes have threatened to cross our borders. Remember the invasion of the "Sunny beaches and bikini clad girl barbarians" from Canada in '82? Or the "watchable T.V. seeking barbarians" from Mexico back in '97? No! Do you want to know why? I’ll tell you why, because our government knows how to handle these situations effectively and quietly. Keeping potentially volatile situations from a childlike public that couldn’t handle it. So please Taylor, leave this to the professionals. You must trust that they have the floating armada of sea faring foreigners, looking at all our high ground with wide, hungry eyes, well in hand.

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